I thought it may be interesting to post some historic blog work, that has not seen the light of day for nearly a year and a half. I wrote with such hope and about the struggle to conceive and the sheer happiness (laced in fear) of my first pregnancy.
Sometimes it is hard to get through a normal day if your cup isn’t full… Historically I have always worn my heart on my sleeve… Now I find myself doing this… growing a tiny, version of myself and it is an entirely alternate experience. It makes you acutely aware of the new,minuscule universe throbbing inside that has come together, possibly fallen together.
The tiny pieces of me and The Father. Our best and worst bits. Since the beginning of this journey I have learnt so much more about myself. I have found that I can be much stronger than I ever envisaged.
The beginnings were uncertain and almost hopeless. I had argued with my old GP’s that my body was not nourished- you know your body. After spending over 25 years with it in tow I had come to learn the nuances, the subtle and not so subtle changes that shape the essence of you… They made me feel like I was clueless and sent me out in a cloak of disgrace time and time again.
Maybe I was creating this fiction in my head…
Fast forward almost a decade… to the waiting room of the new surgery and sadly vindication but plunging into the depths of utter despair. It was like a part of me died a little bit that day. My internal world imploded and crumbled and I felt a punch of anguish that paralysed me.
My body shut down and as I processed the life-shattering prognosis.
My throat tightened and I swear then I could not breathe.
I don’t know if it was maybe because part of me didn’t want to.
I felt like a failure.
I was diagnosed officially with PCOS and I ran scenarios over and over in my head where I could never be a life giver, a protected, the centre of another persons world, and how cruel I thought it was that this could have been the only thing I could ever be truly be good at and that chance was extinguished. That potential lost. Those innate skills wasted.
I wanted to add so much to another human beings life. I was a shadowed version of what I could have been and in that moment in time I had never felt so alone. And then guilt. Because why should I even feel like that as my partner sat alongside me also processing the news and squeezing my hand as if to let me know he was feeling all the things I felt during that internal collapse.
It shook me to the core and was a wake up call I needed. It made me confront the demons inside me and look at myself objectively from all sorts of angles… and yes… uncomfortable ones too… but how can you ever grow if you don’t dissect that internal battle between the light and the darkness within?
I changed to be healthy and strong and prepared. Though; admittedly, nothing prepares you for the challenge yet to come. I found myself again.
I had thrown myself into turning the cogs in the corporate machine because I thought that’s what my focus should be if I couldn’t do anything for myself. And the more I shone a light on it…the more I realised that it was not making me happy. I changed my lifestyle and read self help articles on Self Love and meditated and made sure my body was given attention to be able to function at its highest level.
I can not put into words the light which radiated out of my partners face as we looked at the stick and it told us that we had beaten the odds and done the thing I had been told was almost impossible. It was a defining moment in my life and I wondered
“heck! Why haven’t I ever cared about myself enough before?”
and that set into motion the powerful belief that helps me stumble and drag myself through each day, because I am a Life-Giver and a Warrior.
My body is housing a life force. The unmistakable movements inside make me feel lucky to be alive each day… I am living… I have a reason to strive and do more than just survive each day. I would battle to the ends of the Earth to be the best incubator of life for this child that grows inside me.
It has been a scary journey because it makes you realise that life should not be taken for granted. From humble beginnings… a mere sesame seed to the whole 10 inches and 314g of life I carry with me today… and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I grow outwards… but I also grow spiritually.
I feel so connected to the life within and wonder if it will feel empty once the child comes into the world… but then I feel foolish because my energy will be refocused on to that bundle that I can finally hold in my arms.
I am still working on myself… and I am still working ten hours a day!! It is indeed exhausting and I sometimes feel as if the male-dominated office don’t recognise my ongoing internal struggle as I remain calm (ish!!!) on the outside.
I know they don’t mean to cause me pain when they say “but you’re not even that pregnant” when I tell them I am exhausted and can’t deal with our clients any more today because I am emotionally and physically drained.
They do not understand the scary tightrope I traversed to get to this point. I didn’t tell them about my utter fear and how this was a medical impossibility. It is exhausting and I salute all the women in the world who have brought life into the world. It is by no means easy… I am tired most days. I go to sleep then wake up tired. But there are pockets of such delight that I can’t help but live 100% for it!!!
I am only halfway through. I wouldn’t change this for the world. From utter chaos has spring my tiny oasis of happiness, and I shall grow it, and cultivate it and be able to wonder at what we have created.
5 days later we lost Mylo…
I still question why it had to be me and us. We were so happy. I was enjoying everything about pregnancy. This was the change in myself that I had been seeking and it is clear to me the utter joy within me. After we lost Mylo I lost this for a while and now I was a Mother this was the identity I craved.
To see these hopes for the future and affirmations of greatness written down it just puts into perspective the sheer scope of loss.
I re read this painful dossier and held Bea that little bit closer because life is so precious guys! But you shouldn’t need a blog to remind you that! Please do one thing that makes you happy a day because life is fragile.
My wish is for Bea to understand the importance of living and not just existing. It makes me sad to the core that we do not get to live the life that could have been with Mylo, but on the other hand I stopped wishing our circumstances different as soon as we conceived again, as we now have another life to enhance and forge.
There are could and should have been’s galore but now I feel the possibilities are endless and we can always love our little boy, but not put expectations or limits on Bea. I will always remind her she can be anything she wants to be and I think that is a fitting tribute to her Big Brother.
Did you enjoy this piece of pregnancy writing? I hope it captures all the feelings that come with it. I love this share all things Mylo related because 2016 will always be the time I became a Mum and perhaps the best version of myself.
Would you like to see my other pregnancy post?
– Bea’s Mummy x