Nothing brings me more joy in this world than watching our little Bea explore it; curiously and fiercely. I love how unburdened she is. A tiny package of innocence and pure love. It makes my heart swell, then it drops… when I think about the other little person that could have been in our lives. I always say could now rather than should…because I could not imagine my life without our beautiful Bea and if Mylo were here then she would not be. In a perfect world I would have BOTH our children. But the world is not perfect. However, my life with Bea is.
We now hold her up to the mirror and she is fascinated by the face that stares back quizzically at her! She loves to “kiss the mirror baby”. Slobbery mouth touching the glass, she coos and looks back at us to make sure that we are finding her utterly hilarious (which we always do!) as we chorus “awww do you love mirror baby?”And Bea throws her head back in laughter and delight.
Then I get to overthinking and the imagery of a “Mirror Baby” ties an awful knot in the very pit of my stomach and my heart breaks for the baby boy that is not in my arms today, a one year old bouncing boy who also loves to laugh a his funny little sister.
I wonder if Bea is the image of her big brother. She has been the baby that has lived all the milestones so far that Mylo never did. From their scan pictures alone, I assume Bea is Mylo’s little feminine double. At my 12 week scan it surprised me just how much Bea looked like her big brother.
This post comes at the beginning of a difficult couple of months for our little family as the 1st birthday’s of Bea’s cousins approach. This year I asked for birthday cards for Mylo and it stung when only 6 turned up. This year there will be the obligatory birthday announcements and messages for the cousins who were born after Mylo and these first birthdays (quite rightly) will be celebrated. But we could have been celebrating three first birthdays in a row- October through to December. Instead I will watch the other two babies become a year older as our little boy remains ageless.
It’s almost as if there are two other Mirror Babies of Mylo that I watch, full of utter adoration yet sadness that Mylo was not in the 2017 1st Christmas photos of the other two dressed as elves, and not in a 1st birthday photo with his cousins. I completely adore my niece and nephew to bits and watching them both grow offered me comfort and a sense of healing as we came to terms with the loss of our little boy.
In one sense though, it was particularly hard as I had spent lots of time with my sister in law as our bellies grew and we talked about how our babies would grow up together. But the reality is they will not. My body gave Mylo up to the world in June 2017 and my sister in law kept cooking her little lady away until December. I am sure she felt guilty that she continued with her pregnancy in relative ease. But I have never felt bitter.
A lot of Parents Of Loss have admitted that they feel negative emotions towards others who are pregnant/have had their baby, and that is a perfectly valid emotion to experience whilst navigating the journey of Baby Loss; but I never let myself project feelings of hurt, jealousy or anger on to other families. Babies are a blessing and as such every successful pregnancy should be celebrated. I knew our time was to come, so as hard as it was I would enjoy other people’s joy. It brought me comfort.
The joy comes from seeing life flourish and seeing a little of what Mylo could have become (especially watching his cousin Fred whom I imagine he would have caused great havoc with!) Being able to enjoy (for better lack of a word) the life of another baby is not a betrayal to the memory of your lost child. I learn this every day as Bea becomes her own little person and we tick off her list of firsts.
No, I will never stop thinking that Mylo not being here is astronomically unfair. It will always hurt a little when I see his cousins do all the things he will never get to do… but then I have the utter joy of living these things with our little Bea and that means the world to me.
The imagery of a mirror is beautifully poetic and apt. I see Mylo reflected in our little Bea but she’s sees herself staring back and she will know herself as Bea; not just Mylo’s little sister because she is loved irrespective of the circumstances of her conception (as a Rainbow Baby.)
Mylo will always be a part of all our lives but I want more than anything for Bea to know that she is our entire world. There is no Magical Mirror realm where we can pull Mylo back into being but he will be reflected in my heart and thoughts for a lifetime, whilst we move forward (but never forget) as Bea becomes the little person she is.
– Bea’s Mummy x